trance

This morning I was stuck in a trance of discovery of wonderful sites that allow me to admire other women with talent and creativity that exceeds the norm. I read of experience and coping, admired color and perspective.

While I havent accomplished much so far today, my mind has and is simmering in inspiration and emotion.

So I realize this morning I was grouchy. It was an important day with a little more intense responsibility at work then normal.But within this day, even though I had my head bit off and some trouble getting started with today's agenda, I had a realization.

As I stood frustrated in a conference room explaining myself, another women stepped in and hugged the women I was talking to, expressing her concern for her family and offering her support. And here I stood, in the midst of an issue, now totally drawn back that the person I was talking with had just received a phone call from her husband who was calling from the back of an ambulance, apparently he was in the hospital, and here she had stood listening and discussing with me and I had no idea. There was no evidence that I could see prior to our conversation that anything like that had occured, it was then that I had that realization... these little things that I am forcing myself to smile over pale in comparison to the blessings I have been given.
So I stood in concern now and not frustration to ensure that she too was alright, to offer my own support.

I hope this stays within my heart, that I am not always able to be aware of others and what they are experiencing, but that I need to remember that sometimes it isn't ever about the issue in front of me or about me at all.

where have all the angels gone?

Ok so where's the good angel thats supposed to pop up when your conscious is questioning what you should do or say or how you should act?

The bad one seems very present in the majority of people, did the good angel take a leave of absence, did someone smuther them to non-existence?

Seriously, when did the conscious become so lop-sided? When did we start thinking it was okay to tell people what you are doing with their things and not ask if it is even okay.

I come into my office today and am missing a power cord to a laptop that was on my desk.
Not a huge problem except it doesnt even belong to me and is for a huge executive meeting today, which is why I am here at 6:45am now searching thru old boxes looking for one that will work. It's a great way to start your day, really! Try it. ::sarcasm::

Here's another example: my daughter is probably 5 months old at the time of this incident and I take her to our church craft fair, upon arriving she is asleep so I pick her up and place her in our stroller. When entering the church a lady (whom I don't even know) asks me if my child is on drugs ?!@!!???#!?!?! :: i am giving you a moment to scream as I wish I had:: she then preceeds to tell me as if her question were within reason - that she asks because my daughter is staring into space. It is also at this moment that she looks at her friend next to her and says It isn't good to give babies drugs !@?#!???!!? I can only explain what I wish my answer had been, it was at that moment that I came to the realization that I need to react more strongly and at the same level of abrassiveness when responding to such absurd behavior.

Or how about the "I am going to..." for instance, I am going to wear your clothes, use your brush, take your child to _________ [fill in the blank]

some examples I have had are :
take your child to...
...take pictures
...go shopping for your mother's day gift (my husband did not say this and that is why it counts)
...their house
...a friend's house
...waco (another city)

some of these examples range from the shrug your shoulders "eh" response to the blood is rushing to my face angry response...

So back to the main question, where did all the angels go? really? I need to know, I need a point of contact or the location of the closet their locked in or something because they are gaged and bound somewhere... they are surely not appearing on the shoulders of most.

me

It seems as if I live my life on the outside looking in, aware of others and their feelings and how they are affected by me and my actions before I even realize me.

It seems I have a fear of labeling myself by my likes or dislikes, how I feel and my emotions because I fear it will be a label forever stuck to my outer shell. I fear it will limit who I am now and who I will become later.

I want to know and learn and feel and experience so much in this life.

So its hard for me to say who I am, just by listing my favorite color or flower or music. So I start with the facts. I was born, I am here and I am blessed. Not much .... I know .... so I was born in Belleville Illinois, moved to Texas at age 5 and so 'here' is Texas, I currently have a home in Hutto. I have a wonderfully loving, supportive husband and a gorgeous daughter who amazes me everyday with her intuitive mind.

How incredible it is to watch someone discover life from the very beginning.

Being a mother is a fairly new role for me, as my daughter just turned one at the end of last month. She was the perfect new edition to our family in April of 2007 and I feel my husband and I share the same amazement and love as we see her grow and learn so much.

As far as me, I am a graphics artist - who works in IT at a large successful company, I own my own facepainting business on the side - I have a love for everything art, photography, painting, kniting, scrapbooking.... I am a Stampin'Up! Demonstrator! I am a friend, a mom, a sister of 3 and a daughter- the middle child.

So on the outside looking in I'm a wanna be planner, hope everything goes great but has a hard time enjoying it if it does... realizing many times if I throw in the towel to greatness and unload the pressure of perfect, then I enjoy myself and enjoy the time spent.

For example, Samantha (my daughter) and her first birthday... I am not sure if I remember the party as well as I would have liked, I know I forgot to use the birthday napkins we bought and I was worried about the cake I made - too stubborn to pay $50 for a birthday cake, but greedy enough to want it perfect for Samantha, something that coordinated with her invitations - worried that it would be the worst tasting cake anyone ever bit into. I know the wind was blowing so much Samantha really didnt have a chance to blow out her first candle - even though I don't think she would have known what to do anyway- so worried analyzing what my husband's mother might think or if everyone was enjoying themselves. The was it too hot? did everyone eat? worry.

What I do remember is that morning, blowing up the jump house and crawling in it with her and my husband. Seeing her eyes light up to all the colors and her feeling the floor beneath her give way to movement as she would bob up and down just a little like she knew exactly what to do.
It was one of those rare moments in life where your looking in from the outside and marking it to memory as one moment, one great moment where you feel as though you could pause life and bask in the overwhelming joy of how perfect and precious the simple moments are.

As a fairly new mom, I hope that this is normal. My balance of assuredness is now uneven and my emotions outweigh my reason at times.

So at the present, this is me.