me

It seems as if I live my life on the outside looking in, aware of others and their feelings and how they are affected by me and my actions before I even realize me.

It seems I have a fear of labeling myself by my likes or dislikes, how I feel and my emotions because I fear it will be a label forever stuck to my outer shell. I fear it will limit who I am now and who I will become later.

I want to know and learn and feel and experience so much in this life.

So its hard for me to say who I am, just by listing my favorite color or flower or music. So I start with the facts. I was born, I am here and I am blessed. Not much .... I know .... so I was born in Belleville Illinois, moved to Texas at age 5 and so 'here' is Texas, I currently have a home in Hutto. I have a wonderfully loving, supportive husband and a gorgeous daughter who amazes me everyday with her intuitive mind.

How incredible it is to watch someone discover life from the very beginning.

Being a mother is a fairly new role for me, as my daughter just turned one at the end of last month. She was the perfect new edition to our family in April of 2007 and I feel my husband and I share the same amazement and love as we see her grow and learn so much.

As far as me, I am a graphics artist - who works in IT at a large successful company, I own my own facepainting business on the side - I have a love for everything art, photography, painting, kniting, scrapbooking.... I am a Stampin'Up! Demonstrator! I am a friend, a mom, a sister of 3 and a daughter- the middle child.

So on the outside looking in I'm a wanna be planner, hope everything goes great but has a hard time enjoying it if it does... realizing many times if I throw in the towel to greatness and unload the pressure of perfect, then I enjoy myself and enjoy the time spent.

For example, Samantha (my daughter) and her first birthday... I am not sure if I remember the party as well as I would have liked, I know I forgot to use the birthday napkins we bought and I was worried about the cake I made - too stubborn to pay $50 for a birthday cake, but greedy enough to want it perfect for Samantha, something that coordinated with her invitations - worried that it would be the worst tasting cake anyone ever bit into. I know the wind was blowing so much Samantha really didnt have a chance to blow out her first candle - even though I don't think she would have known what to do anyway- so worried analyzing what my husband's mother might think or if everyone was enjoying themselves. The was it too hot? did everyone eat? worry.

What I do remember is that morning, blowing up the jump house and crawling in it with her and my husband. Seeing her eyes light up to all the colors and her feeling the floor beneath her give way to movement as she would bob up and down just a little like she knew exactly what to do.
It was one of those rare moments in life where your looking in from the outside and marking it to memory as one moment, one great moment where you feel as though you could pause life and bask in the overwhelming joy of how perfect and precious the simple moments are.

As a fairly new mom, I hope that this is normal. My balance of assuredness is now uneven and my emotions outweigh my reason at times.

So at the present, this is me.